Vox Newman

Time? Shmime! | April 6, 2011

I’m sure many of you have questions about time travel.  First of all, it appears that when it comes to Earth, the British seem to have the most experience with time travel.

Now, some of you might be convinced that time travel isn’t possible but you couldn’t be further from the truth.  Have you ever had sex in the 4^th dimension?  This should be enough to convince you, as you haven’t lived until you’ve had time travel sex and this is why The Time Traveler’s Wife is the truest story I know.  Time traveling friendships are ok too.

You also might think ‘Hey, things always go wrong when the future is involved.’ and therefore are wary of listening to the advice of future people.  But what has the past ever done for you?  That’s right, it abandons you, just like your ex.  If you ever get a chance, just embrace a jaunt through the 4th dimension!

So, being a helpful fellow, years ago I prepared my own list of things you want to keep in mind when you embark on your journey through time:

• I’ve been to the future and I love the scorpion strawgrapes: their skins are so crunchy thanks to the industrial nano-steel reinforcement.  I advise avoiding the fart-apples though.  They might keep the doctor away, but… Just trust me on this.
• If you’re on a budget and can’t afford a time-vortex, do not get the model ’86 flux capacitor; besides having arbitrary limitations such as requiring a land speed of 88 miles per hour and needing weapons grade plutonium or lightning (!) to power it, the ’86 flux capacitor looks cheap and flimsy and it is exactly that.
• Try to at least make a show of trying to understand how time works.
• Try to comport yourself in as serious a manner as possible so that people will think you know what you’re talking about.   Try not to get into too many fights; better yet, avoid conflict whenever possible.
• Chrome parts and flashing lights on your time machine always make it look cooler, and the other Time Lords will be jealous.  It’s always fun to make them sweat and steal their girlfriends.  Also, make sure you have a bitchin’ sound system: you’ll need it.
• It is advised by almost anyone in the business that you get an actual time machine and not rely on a vessel moving at faster than light speeds in orbit of a large body to get you through the time barrier.  The former is far more reliable, and the latter rarely gets you to the time period you actually want to get to, despite what you may have seen in the movies.
• Be sure to visit the 22nd century and have a cybernetic chronometer installed in your brain.  This is a device you won’t want to and don’t have to do without.
• Apparently killing Hitler makes things worse.  Who knew?
• Do not interfere with Superman or try and distract him, the results have always been disastrous.
• The following is a short list of people who have a violent reaction to having their picture taken: Marius, Gaius Julius Caeser, Caeser Augustus (Octavian, Marcus Antonius), Cleopatra, Stilicho, Attila, Nero, Caligula, Boudicca, Cao Cao, Any member of the Tokugawa clan, Charlemagne, Macbeth, Genghis Khan, Uther Pendragon, William Wallace, Tecumseh, John Titor and Vincent Price.

If you need further help, start here