Vox Newman

I Know of Kung Fu! | April 23, 2011

I’ve watched quite a few Kung Fu movies and I think I’ve got the gist of it.  I’m ready to hunt down that bully that works for the local gang.  You won’t have to pay protection fees anymore.  Well, not their protection fees, anyway.  Heroes got to get paid, son.

Let me fill you in on my credentials.kung fu yin yang shao lin scissor vox newman

I’m like the goddamn Batman.  I’ll come in and those criminals will be all “Who’s this guy?” but their lips won’t be moving properly in sync with their words and it’ll seem all weird until you realize that some unknown presence is speaking through them.

Who cares?  I’m gonna punch their faces off anyway.

You see, the scissor punch is unstoppable and they have no hope of defeating my Scissor Fu!  It’s all elementary really: when I was a young boy, I was credited as the only person to successfully deploy the crane kick to knock the head off a brown bear; but that shit would never work on a grizzly.

You see?  I’m gonna punch their faces off.

It might not even be criminals bothering you, but oppressive foreign powers and their evil agents.  I can take them on too.  My Kung Fu is like a fucking nuke.

Get it?  I’ll punch their face off too.

But let’s say you’re just out for yourself: I get that, so am I.  Any babies need their candy stolen?  I can hook you up.  They’re no match for me.  I’ll just punch their faces off.

Are you getting all this down?  I’ve studied with all the masters on low quality VHS and high definition blue ray.  I’m ready for any fight now: bring on the Shao Lin Temple!  None of them gumps is gonna be able to stand up to me, I’ve been training for this on my couch since puberty.  I can take anyone on.

Bring it.


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