Vox Newman

Welcome to Middle Ontario

March 12, 2011

I asked myself last night, ‘how in the hell did I manage to drive to Barrie on a flat tire?’ but I didn’t bother to answer: that’s just stupid.  It’d be way too circular: as if I’m both Acrisius and the Oracle.  You don’t want to mess with that shit.  In any case, I changed the tire: I had to, even though I didn’t necessarily want to.

It was just something that had to be done even if it was something that was difficult and unnecessarily exhausting.  That baffles me as it’s just five bolts to be removed and then reattached.  I even have a hydraulic jack.  It really shouldn’t drain me the way it does.  But for some reason it’s about as exhausting as I imagine turtle tapping is to poor old Mario.  Despite the fact that it was a draining experience, at least I was able to make my escape from Barrie.  That’s always good.


Come on Spring, Damnit!

March 6, 2011
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I wish that damn groundhog would actually tell us when spring will be sprung.  No more games with shadows.  I know he’s not stupid: he’s not really afraid of his shadow.  Based on my research, I also happen to know he can speak the Queen’s English.  So Willy needs to stop all this crap and come clean!  Oh God oh God oh God for the love of mud pies, when will spring be here?

You see, I have some stuff to do that doesn’t involve snow, and by stuff I mean life.  There’s a great many people who have put off doing things because they can’t be bothered to expend the effort it would require in winter.

There’s a man north of here who has a body to bury: man gave the goosy eye so he done had to be shot.  Problem is the ground has been frozen so he’s had to keep him in the freezer.  Well, where’s he gonna put his pizza pops in the meantime?  Damnit!


Road Trip Season

February 22, 2011
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Road trips are like a cult TV show.  You hear about it from one of your friends, and it doesn’t sound like anything you’d be interested in: you might even wish they’d shut up about it.  You might think, based on what you know about road trips, that there’s a group of people that can’t stand where they are and need to get the hell out of Dodge as soon and as often as they can.

I don’t think that’s it.  This seems more likely to be the case of the frequent traveler who relies on airplanes to take them to far off destinations or the obsessed traveler who needs to find themselves by backpacking through [insert continent here].


Patio Season

February 18, 2011

In Canada we have a fifth season, sort of an umbrella over three seasons (Spring, Summer, Fall).  Coined Patio Season (probably by a beer company), it begins partway through Spring or if the Hosers are lucky, at the tail end of Winter.  Many years it opens in fits and starts as bar and restaurant owners drag their chairs and tables toward their railed-in curb only to have to cover them when chill winds and snows descend for brief periods in between sunny days.

You’ll know that patio season has begun because you’ll see a typical Canadian wearing a tee-shirt and possibly shorts and sandals in weather most peoples of the world would consider wearing a winter coat for.  We’ll still wear the toque though, because we’re not stupid: we know most body-heat escapes through the head.

Are you still confused as to what Patio Season is?  Well, it’s that time of year that Canadians bellow “Damn the wind, the chills, the freezing rain, the snow, the slush, the ice and the umpteen other words we’ve adapted to vilify winter!  It’s time to drink beer outside!”  That’s all Canadians want to do.  We want to drink beer outside. That’s right: “Peace, Order, Good Government and beer outside!”


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