Vox Newman

Patio Season | February 18, 2011

In Canada we have a fifth season, sort of an umbrella over three seasons (Spring, Summer, Fall).  Coined Patio Season (probably by a beer company), it begins partway through Spring or if the Hosers are lucky, at the tail end of Winter.  Many years it opens in fits and starts as bar and restaurant owners drag their chairs and tables toward their railed-in curb only to have to cover them when chill winds and snows descend for brief periods in between sunny days.

You’ll know that patio season has begun because you’ll see a typical Canadian wearing a tee-shirt and possibly shorts and sandals in weather most peoples of the world would consider wearing a winter coat for.  We’ll still wear the toque though, because we’re not stupid: we know most body-heat escapes through the head.

Are you still confused as to what Patio Season is?  Well, it’s that time of year that Canadians bellow “Damn the wind, the chills, the freezing rain, the snow, the slush, the ice and the umpteen other words we’ve adapted to vilify winter!  It’s time to drink beer outside!”  That’s all Canadians want to do.  We want to drink beer outside. That’s right: “Peace, Order, Good Government and beer outside!”

Though, we’re not so gung-ho that we want to drink beer everywhere.  No, we’re more than happy doing it within the confines of a cage, er, patio.  We don’t need to drink it on the street.  If we did that, we figure it would discourage good-looking people from walking their dogs and then we’d have no one to ogle.  I submit that many a marriage began because some tipsy fellow was so enamoured with some pretty lady’s gluteus maximus and she with his hipster ways that coupled with their mutual excitement at the end of winter, it was love at first sight.

So really, there’s only two seasons in Canada: Patio Season and Baby Season.

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