Vox Newman

I Know of Kung Fu!

April 23, 2011
3 Comments

I’ve watched quite a few Kung Fu movies and I think I’ve got the gist of it.  I’m ready to hunt down that bully that works for the local gang.  You won’t have to pay protection fees anymore.  Well, not their protection fees, anyway.  Heroes got to get paid, son.

Let me fill you in on my credentials.kung fu yin yang shao lin scissor vox newman

I’m like the goddamn Batman.  I’ll come in and those criminals will be all “Who’s this guy?” but their lips won’t be moving properly in sync with their words and it’ll seem all weird until you realize that some unknown presence is speaking through them.

Who cares?  I’m gonna punch their faces off anyway.

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Time? Shmime!

April 6, 2011
3 Comments

I’m sure many of you have questions about time travel.  First of all, it appears that when it comes to Earth, the British seem to have the most experience with time travel.

Now, some of you might be convinced that time travel isn’t possible but you couldn’t be further from the truth.  Have you ever had sex in the 4th dimension?  This should be enough to convince you, as you haven’t lived until you’ve had time travel sex and this is why The Time Traveler’s Wife is the truest story I know.  Time traveling friendships are ok too.doctor who tardis police box time shmine vox newman

You also might think ‘Hey, things always go wrong when the future is involved.’ and therefore are wary of listening to the advice of future people.  But what has the past ever done for you?  That’s right, it abandons you, just like your ex.  If you ever get a chance, just embrace a jaunt through the 4th dimension!

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He’s so Jimmy

April 1, 2011
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Jimmy here: sorry I didn’t return your text/email/call/tit flash in the club, but I was busy getting laid i.e. winning.  I might get back to you later, if I need a booty call when my girlfriend’s out of town.  She’s a model, so she goes out of town a lot which means that you might be winning sometime soon.  Keep in mind though, that I have an epic contact list.  Don’t worry, it’s not organized alphabetically, it’s ordered by the magnitude of what I imagine you can do with your lips.

Of course, making out with your girl friend can only help your case.  But don’t think it settles matters: there’s all kinds of trampy ways for hot girls to get my attention.  And really, that’s what I’m all about, getting attention: if you give me the right amount and I’m drunk enough, things will naturally progress from there.

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The Lollipop Rainbow Party

March 20, 2011
8 Comments

So, I was chatting with a chipmunk today and he said this bird he’d spoken with earlier was blathering about a moose she met who was moaning about the fact that he was invited to the party of the century by magical pixies and how he couldn’t make it.  The party in question was being DJ’d by Xaxthanol 6 of the Intergalactic Happiness Empire in sector 85192.4 and taking place at the Foam Nightclub in the old city district in Atlantis.

Xax is on her third Lollipop Rainbow Party tour and this is her first visit to Earth.  When asked about the party last week she was quoted as saying “Humans are a total upper, yo.  No one knows how to party like them.  My beats are gonna bring them to a whole new level.”

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Round 1: Fight!

March 16, 2011
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