Vox Newman

Robotic Race Riots the Future? | March 9, 2011

Robots: what are they good for?  Absolutely nothing!  Hwaa!

Call me a racist if you want but I think that most robots are a bunch of good for nothing bleeping and blooping layabouts.  Not to mention the stink!  It’s like they’ve never heard of an oil change with all those lubricants drying up and burning in their joints.  For iGod’s sake why can’t they take a Castrol bath once in a while?

I know, I know: robots are helpful and for the most part better educated than most of the people who were actually born on this planet.  I mean, case in point we wouldn’t have steel wool if it wasn’t for robot sheep.  And yes, they help make our cars, which when you think about it are like big robo-pets.  When the Decepticons come, I’ll totally want the Autobots to help us out.  Not to mention that they assist us with our genealogy research when we go to amusement parks.  So, yes, there are a great many things that robots do to contribute to our society.

All I’m saying is that sometimes, I just can’t stand them.  I also think they eat kittens and sometimes poison wells.  So what if I haven’t figured out whether or not these are just practical jokes or some elaborate mechanoid hazing ritual?  I just don’t think it’s right.

But you can’t ever talk about this stuff around them.  They get all uppity: they start screaming ‘EXTERMINATE!’ ‘DELETE!’ or ‘DIGITIZE HIM!’  Sure, it starts off all ‘By your command.’ this and ‘Danger Will Robinson!’ that, but when you say the smallest thing to piss them off, you soon find yourself on the wrong end of a shotgun; then the robot takes your clothes and you never see them again despite his promise that ‘I’ll be back.’

I know they think they’re being all cute with their ‘Goodness gracious me’s but I just want to rock all up in their grill and sock it to them sometimes.  Oh, and don’t get me started on AIs, always asking what I’m doing.  My name’s not Dave, damnit, and I need those life support systems online.  Just remember, when the time comes that you need someone to pay to watch your fembot cam-show, who needs who bitch?

Don’t get me wrong, I have a few robot friends and they aren’t all that bad.  We go to the same bars and get drunk all the same whether by spirits, beer, wine or leaded gasoline and the next day we have the same hang-over at our dead-end jobs.  I’m not talking about those guys: the good robots.  I’m talking about the dead-beats and the megalomaniacs.


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